So, I was thinking - there is one
aspect of me that I haven't actually written about in my blog. My love life.
Don't get excited, it's pretty much non-existent, so I'm not going to be
sitting here telling a glorious love story. However, this is a very honest
blog, and I'd be lying if I pretended it wasn't a big part of my life and thoughts. To be fair,
it's quite weird writing this and knowing I'm then going to publish it on the
internet for anybody to read, seeing as I hardly ever talk about this sort of
stuff. I much prefer to write about it. Which (in case you hadn't noticed) is
what I'm doing here. I usually write about it in poetry though, so this is a
new genre for me!
I was sort of inspired to write about
it by my friend Amy, who read both my poetry books and gave me some feedback.
It was really enlightening to hear her opinions, and in a way quite unlike
other people when they had said what they thought. She told me what her
favourites were and commented on them, but none of her favourites were love
poems (of which there are a fair few, especially in the second collection). So
I asked her what she thought of them, and she said that it was difficult to
imagine me writing them, so didn't quite know what to make of them. She said
when she thinks of me, she thinks of a person who wrote the other poems, ones
about being the best you can be, struggling with leaving school,
finding your place and taking on the world. But she doesn't think of
somebody who would write about my feelings for one of the male species, because
I never EVER talk about that part of me. I hadn't really realised that people
saw me (or didn't see me as the case may be) like that, because obviously I
know myself inside out and see myself as all the different parts of me all
mixed up together. It was definitely an insight into how the world views me,
even if it was just the thought of one person. But it got me thinking that
perhaps I should talk about it, because it is an important part of everybody's
lives and I'm no different.
Obviously, I'm not actually talking about it, I am typing about it,
which is the best way! As I said, I never talk about it, and after careful
consideration I've realised that it's because I have little to no confidence in
that aspect of life. Obviously, you can't help but fancy people, develop
crushes or even fall in love, but I never let it show. You're probably thinking
"God, you're eighteen years old woman, get a grip and stop acting like a little girl!" but I honestly am
the worst person ever for talking about love. Don't get me wrong, people talk to me
about their love life and problems frequently and I listen and give them advice
and all that, but if anybody tries to talk about my feelings, I immediately
go horrifically shy and embarrassed and don't want to talk about it,
often saying the words "shut up" as quickly as I can - so
quickly it comes out as one word! Occasionally I have little (and I do mean little) talk about it to
somebody close to me, but that's about as often as a leap year.
I honestly have no idea why that is. I
wonder if it's just the way I am. Funnily enough, I was watching Celebrity Big
Brother and Rylan (of X Factor fame) was saying how he gets all embarrassed and
can't talk about it if he fancies somebody, and I was rather relieved -
"At least it's not just me!" I thought. So maybe it’s in my genes
that I function that way. Or maybe it's the fact that I've been the definition
of 'unlucky in love' in the past. I'm not going to go into detail, but I will
tell one story and you can probably guess how all the other stories went!
It was Valentine's Day and
I was in Year 8 - therefore I was thirteen years old. I'd had a crush on this
guy in my form for a while, I don't know, a couple of months or something.
Anyway, a few sixth form students were organising this charity Valentine's
message thing to pay for their expedition abroad or something of that
nature. Basically you'd write a message, and put who it was for (and
who it was from if you wanted), and they'd type it up on this nice card and
deliver them on Valentine’s Day, which was a Wednesday. So I sent him an anonymous Valentine's message-card - it read:
Roses are red,
Bluebells are blue,
You may not know it,
But someone likes you.
Okay, I borrowed it from The Princess
Diaries, but I'm sure Meg Cabot wouldn't have minded. In fact, it said
'violets' on the actual card - obviously the sixth form student who'd typed up
mine had thought I'd made a mistake. I hadn't. Bluebells are blue, violets are
violet! The clue's in the name! Anyway, that's beside the point. So, on
Wednesday the fourteenth of February 2007, I was sitting in my form room and the
sixth form student came and delivered the little pink cards. Obviously, the
person I'd sent it to got it delivered to him - my heart was in my mouth when he
was wondering who sent it! Anyway, somehow he found out - the same day - that I'd sent it. To
be quite honest, I felt pretty rubbish when he shouted at me, in front of the
whole class just before a lesson in an IT room, that it was "never ever
going to happen" as he ripped the card up into tiny pieces in front of my
face and threw it on the floor. Well, my heart felt a bit like that card. That
was probably the worst, but my attempts to find love have never gone much
better than that.
Anyway, moving on (slightly) from distressing
events I've tried to forget, I have wondered if they have anything to do with
my inability to talk about those sort of feelings. Or maybe it's a
mixture - it's the way I am and that's just made it worse. Take my emotional
situation at the minute for example. I have had feelings for this guy for about
a year and a half, which are casually (and almost annoyingly) getting stronger
all the time. But I haven't, and am not going to, say anything or do anything
about it. I am too scared of rejection I guess, and also I am 99% sure it's
not reciprocated (and that 1% is probably just wishful thinking). But
I won't talk to anybody about it either, not even my mum, and I talk
about anything and everything with her... except this. She's probably reading
this blog now, so I’m sorry Mum, but I just find it very difficult, if
not absolutely impossible, to talk about this stuff to anyone at all.
That's just the way I seem to be. It's funny, because I have random moments
when all I want to do is talk about it, and I think I'll go mad if I don't, but
something still stops me. Weird, eh? So I express these feelings that I can't
speak about verbally by writing a ridiculous amount of poems about
him and posting cryptic Facebook statues that consist of painfully relevant song lyrics.
Anyway, that is as much of an insight
into my 'love life' as you're going to get - I've already been pushing it to
the absolute limit - and that is also probably as much of an insight into my 'love life'
as anybody has ever got! So enjoy, and be proud of me that I actually posted all
this on the actual internet, because this is my soul right here. Oh, and Amy,
if you are reading this - THANK YOU. For encouraging me to get all my 'love talk'
out, even if you didn't realise you were doing it. And if you are reading this,
you will now know 'that side of me' a little better.
Anyway, on a lighter note, The Vampire
Diaries is back soon, so I'm terribly excited. I'll sign off now, because I've
been rambling since 11.43 am and it's now 1.07 pm.
